Dream Catcher

a reason

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 23:14:00 -0700

While I have not posted nor accessed tumblr, few interfaces and layout has changed on this page. And why did I not access tumblr for this much? It’s because I don’t feel the purpose of posting stuff here. I know there are stuff to write down here, but I am bad at talking notes and remembering stuff that I just forget most times.

So, my job…. honestly, my job is not something I can proudly talk about. It’s not something that many people understand, and it’s not something I can explain in one or two sentences. And most of all, it is not something I want to do. When choosing a career/job, my friend told me that I have to ask myself three questions:

1. Can I do the job?

2. Do I like the job?

3. Is it worth doing the job?

According to this, my feeling towards my current job is: 1. yes 2. not much 3. no, which puts me into position that I don’t want to do this job anymore. When I got this job, I thought I can learn a little about law stuff and paralegal things, but nothing and instead, I just learn how many custodians at these facilities and offices I call are inefficient, in other words, stupid/rude. Stress builds everyday throughout the day. The attorneys takes their stress out on us and yells at us about the smallest stuff or something that is not our fault. Uncooperative custodians are everywhere and sometimes says the nastiest things to us. Our office itself is inefficient as well, which I have many times where I have nothing to do and just sit. I hate that time. I feel unproductive even though this was a result of being productive. But it doesn’t mean I have no work… It means that I can’t do the work at that time. Recently, I feel no excitement, no future, and I don’t see myself here next year.

So, I am job searching, and actually trying to see if I can get to ANA. My dad has a connection with ANA accounting mngr, which might give me a chance to interview and make my way to getting accepted. I really hope for this. So far, with this job I see the future. it’s customer service representative position, but I know that this company is big and there is plenty of chance to get up, and chance to do cabin attendant job, which has been my dream job since elementary. I am more desperate about getting this job than keeping my current job. Let’s see how it goes…..

Now that I have insurance coverage and my name stamp, it makes me feel like I should stay for a...

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 21:56:38 -0800

Now that I have insurance coverage and my name stamp, it makes me feel like I should stay for a while at this work. Well, it’s not like I hate it, but it’s also not like I love it. It low pay, it’s nothing relating to music, and It’s not something I am interested in. But it fits my style of working: the repetition, visual accomplishment, and gratitude. I think I am doing better than I thought I would at this work. I got used to the atmosphere, picking up calls, and handling tasks. I can see myself developing and growing as I work at this workplace.

But, I know this won’t be something I want to do for the whole life. ”Then what? Music?” I thought. Career in music sounds wonderful, but my ideal career in music is performance, and preferably in Japan. But that might be more difficult than trying to become singer here. If that is the case, I would rather do performances on the side as main interest, and do something different for career. ”So… what is it?” That was the long-term question I had in my mind.

I have had lots of interest in several career: nurse, police, teacher, animator…. but I tend to stop my train of thought right as I start thinking, “that’s tough…” I know I am killing my possibility by doing that. But I just never find the path to overcome that feeling. ”I’m not capable, I can’t do it, I can’t accomplish…” all it comes to this.

After Taka’s advise, I realized that things I want to be is always something that make people happy, give joy, or relaxation. ”Thank you” with a smile is something that motivated me all the time. Other’s smile make me smile, other’s joy make me joy. What I want in my life is happiness, and I want more people to be happy in life.

Then as I started thinking about those stuff, one career came to my attention: therapist. I had interest in that field since I watched this Japanese Drama called “Orange Days”. Supporting and helping the disabled people or state of mind. It sparked on me when I recalled this occupation. I want to support and bring back smiles that they once had, or bring in the smile they may never had.

I Know I have gone through several thoughts like this throughout the past year or two, but now I am clear. I can do this. I want to become this, with passion. I know, this is what I want to do.

I will go ahead and look for community college offering classes I need to take in order to make the first step.

My mom made this delicious cake yesterday.

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 18:05:47 -0800

My mom made this delicious cake yesterday.

Mom: what do you think is in here?
Yumi: umm (jokingly) enoki mushrooms!
Mom: of course not!
Yumi: pumpkin!
Mom: nope
Yumi: potato!
Mom: close!
Yumi: sweet potato!
Mom: finally you got it right!!

Dad comes home… Eats cake

Yumi: what do you think is made out of?
Dad: (jokingly)enoki mushrooms
Yumi&mom: lolll same answer as yumi!
Dad: pumpkin!
Mom: serious??!
Dad: potato!
Yumi &mom: close!
Dad: sweet potato!
Mom: yumi, there’s no doubt you’re dad’s girl.

Lollllllll

If I were to go back to school for second bachelor...

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 22:55:59 -0800

I am starting to think I should go back to school in a year or two to discover something different. Here is what caught my eye looking at Degree listing on SJSU website:

BA- Linguistics (which leads to MA Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages)

BM- Music Education

BFA- Animation/illustration

BS Occupational Therapy

I am interested in International Business, but it is only available in Minor.

So far is the list I have looking at it for 15 min. A quick check I’d say. I would really want to perform, but I know it can’t be my main career. I like singing and performing, but I think I like it as a side activity. BM-Vocal Performance was my major, and I will keep that alive within me. But as a main career, I am trying to keep my options open and try to figure out what fits me, what I like, and what I can do with it.

I need to write it down before I sleep

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:54:59 -0700

I just needed to get this on word so I have a strong support of my feelings. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s always a new day. It’s going to be a BRAND new day. I am going to be a BRAND new me. I read a part of a book which titles The Discovery of Yourself (Japanese book). As I read the first few pages, It made me think. It made me think who I am. Do I really know myself? Do I know myself more than anyone else? I might be the least one to know about myself. I always have had difficulty knowing what I want to do when I do something weird or crazy. I sometimes get myself into a self-hating zone where tears rise and wonder why I am so stupid or why am I like “this”. Then reading this book, I re-think: what is “this”? What does it mean by “this”? stupid? unreliable? selfish?

I realized that I am always thinking negative about myself. I rarely think very positive about myself. I almost don’t have confidence, and I lack believing myself most times. I think this is one of the reason why I don’t know myself. I don’t know myself because I am afraid to know myself. I am afraid that I might reveal myself that I am stupid, or selfish, or unreliable. I was avoiding to know myself by myself. I was just pretending to know who I am. But pretending doesn’t reveal anything. So I get less confident, regret a lot, and can’t believe myself.

I might not making sense to the public readers, but it’s okay. I am just writing what just comes up to my mind. The bottom line is that to know about myself, I have to like myself. Just like making friends. I have to like the person before I start to want to know about that person. Usually people don’t want to know about people if they don’t like the person.

So from now, I have to be positive about myself, and be happy of who I am so I can like myself and get to know myself better. I don’t know what physically needs to be done, but I know that my mindset have changed since I started writing this thought down on here.

the order is not know yourself, love yourself; it is LOVE YOURSELF, KNOW YOURSELF.

My Goal and Future.... Set

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 20:10:45 -0700

I think I got the clear vision of what to do, thanks to UCSC extension.

I will want to get Accounting Certification through UCSC, and get job with accounting related.

Then few years later after I get married, I will get back to music in some shape, most likely teaching private.

Music Therapy is still a choice in my mind, but as of now, it is not the main thing I am thinking.

It might change after few month or few years, but right now, I am clear of what I want to do for the next 2-3 years.

Many times, I get diarrhea after eating dinner, sometimes lunch. I always thought it comes from some...

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 22:14:37 -0700

Many times, I get diarrhea after eating dinner, sometimes lunch. I always thought it comes from some allergy reaction to something that I don’t know. But it’s not always the same thing I eat, and i get bad diarrhea.

Recently I started to feel that my stomach is weak. It is easily upset. And because of that, I thought I am originally a light eater. I guess my stomach cannot take in too much food.

Then I wondered: why do I eat so much?

The answer came right away. It is because I used to do sports. I did Cross Country for two years and Tennis one year and Track and Field 4 years throughout my high school years. Therefore, physically I was very active and my body was physically wanting more nutrition/food in the body. Then as I advanced to college, I stopped running so I didn’t need to eat as much. But i mentally couldn’t eat less and unintentionally thought to myself that I have to eat as much as I have eaten. I guess I didn’t want to believe I have to eat less now that I don’t run like in High School.

Today, I adjusted my intake by stop eating when I fell it’s a little less. Then I noticed that I only ate maybe half or a little more than half as I eat usually, but still I felt fullness in my stomach. For dinner, I didn’t eat as much as usual and I was a little too full I had diarrhea (though it was not as bad as usual).

So I noticed I really don’t need to eat that much in order to be satisfied and that I was eating too much for my stomach. I guess from now when I go out to eat, it will be enough for me to eat about half of the plate. Maybe it’s better for me to share if that’s the case. Let’s see if this assumption is right.

On Facebook, I posted that there is 4 options I have, but actually, there is more. 1. Go to Grad...

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 21:02:48 -0700

On Facebook, I posted that there is 4 options I have, but actually, there is more.

1. Go to Grad school for MBA concentration in Accounting at Santa Clara University

This is if I want a good income career.

2. Go to Grad school for Masters in Accounting at some University.

This is if I aim for CPA and do some performances on the side.

3. Go to Grad school for Music Therapy Certificate at University of Pacific

This is for pursuing a career in Music serving the community.

4. Go to Grad School for MBA and Music Therapy Certificate at University of Pacific.

This is if I want to kill myself (lol)

5. Find a full-time job as a administration and learn Accounting on the way.

This is if I give up going to Grad School, or go to school for accounting as I do full time job for better position.

6. Go to Grad school for Masters in Music

This is if I go serious with music as career and life.

So far this is the option for the next 3-4 years of my life. I am looking at first 3 mainly, but I just don’t know what is good for me. I want to try Music Therapy, but it’s not that demanding around here (unless I decide to go out of State). I want to do Accounting for good status in life and income, but most private universities only have MBA, which I am a little scared about. I still have the mind of doing Masters in Music vocal performance, but I don’t feel secure of what to do after that.

I got BM in Vocal Performance, but I notice myself not that serious about pursuing performance as a career. There is no doubt I like performing and I love to be on stage, but it is competitive, and I am not that tough to keep up with it. If I can perform at a local production, I am happy.

Later in life (meaning few years after I get married), I want to do private voice lessons. Especially after I have kids.

Can someone help me out by stating what you think? Or if you have any info about good programs, please tell me!

Breaking the Habit

Sun, 14 Aug 2011 09:55:00 -0700

I started different way of weightwatching recently.

I found the site that says that having the idea of “working for weightloss” is a bad idea. When you tell yourself “work for it,” you are putting a negative thought into the word without noticing it. work -> I have to work for it -> it is a lot of work to loose weight -> I might NOT be able to do it. See? So I am trying to break out from the stereotype of diet and doing a whole new way to thinking. “Diet is fun, Diet is easy.”

So there are lots of habits I should break out from in order to take in the diet as my daily routine. One main thing is the eating habit. Though not like reducing my intake while I still want it or don’t eat when I am wanting it. Simply said, “When you want it you eat it, when you don’t want it you don’t eat it.” This sounds opposite from the normal idea of diet, huh? But this is true. So there are two types of appetite: mental and physical. Mental appetite is the fake appetite where you are wanting it because it smells good or from stress or you just feel like it. The Physical appetite is the real appetite where you are hungry and your body is signalizing to eat. So in other words, you want to obey to the body’s want. Limiting the food intake means you are limiting as a whole (both physical and mental appetite) which gives a warning sign to the body that you are not eating enough; which the body signals you to eat more than you have to.

So knowing that, the next step is to know when to stop eating. The feeling of “I’m full” is the key. Let’s compare the eating habit of a person who is overweight, and person who is not. The person who is overweight eats until they are physically full and the person who is not eats until they are satisfied. See the difference? There are broadly two different types of borderline: Satisfaction and full. Satisfaction line is where your stomach is not full, but your blood pressure is high that you feel satisfied. Full line is where you can no longer fit anything in the stomach, that you ate till you feel a little pain. Therefore, in order to loose weight and be stress-free, you should break the habit of eating until full. This is me. I tend to eat until full, mostly because I feel bad leaving food on the plate. This is a cultural thing and I should learn how to “eat till satisfied”. This way, you are satisfied and still you won’t gain extra weight from it. So since our stomach is about the size of our fist, as you can see it is not that big. So that means theoretically, you can’t eat that much in the first place. So I have to be satisfied fast.

So to do that, I should first start eating with that I like. I used to eat something I like at the end so I end with satisfaction. But then if I think like what I said above, I should eat what I like in the beginning to get 100% satisfaction in the early stage. Also, since the signal from the brain of fullness is very weak, you have to be relaxed when you are eating. So calming down before eating is another key to eat. And also to eat with a good posture. Slouching down on the desk or tucking in your stomach as you eat makes it hard to feel the fullness. Also, eat slowly and enjoying each bite is also the key. This is well-known fact.

It might be hard to believe, but sweets at the end are actually good for diet. Of course, eating after you are already satisfied is not good but to fulfill it, sweets are your great friend. Not only it fulfills your appetite, it also releases any stress you get from diet. Limiting or banning sweets is a big no-no. This builds up stress and when you notice, you will be eating like a pig from “mental appetite” as I talked about earlier.

So the big Keyword for this is: “80% full, 100% satisfaction”

That being said, I have to break out of my habit of eating till full. I tend to do that a lot. Let’s try catching the signal of satisfaction from my body. The Key is “Communication with my body”.

Decided--> unsure--> Decided, again.

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 11:34:29 -0700

So not that long ago, I had a plan of going to UoP for Music Therapy. I thought I would like to get into the field of cure and heal through music. However, I also started to feel insecure about finding good job opportunities and the “reality” thoughts.

Then I went to look for different options. I looked at MA in Voice. My teacher recommended University of Colorado for music. So I looked into that, thinking it might be good status for teaching in the future. However, I also thought that I would want to teach private, and not in public schools, so degree won’t matter that much.

If I think this way, then the problem is the real job. I want to do private voice lessons in the future, but that won’t get me anywhere if I start now. So I need some solid job. The most demanding and something that I always had in the corner of my mind was Accounting. So I discussed with Taka and my Dad, and I looked into Santa Clara University. However, they seem to only have MBA for gradschool. Other private around here is UoP. It can be public, but private is much better in terms of quality.

So to clear out my future plan, it’s like this:

Fall 2012- Go to gradschool with Accounting

Spring 2014/Fall 2015 Graduate with MA Accounting

(somewhere around there, I will get engaged ^^)

After that, work as accountant for few years as I do performances on side.

Teach voice after we stabilize.

So, give me some ideas for good grad school for accounting!!

After a month

Sat, 30 Jul 2011 23:31:15 -0700

total, I went from 140lbs to 133lbs. -7lbs! And the initial goal for this diet was to have friends tell me I got thinner, which I have accomplished today.

With this and things that I have discussed with my friends today, I have decided my next goal, to not gain more than 134lbs anymore. In Japanese, we call it Rebound, so I will say “No more rebound”. And without limiting my intake like I used to, I will burn more calories by exercise. I have walked at least 5 days a week recently for at least 30 min a day. I am thinking to raise that to 1 hour 6 days a week. Walk 7-8am. before walking I will eat banana, and do some warming up by stretching and stuff so my body can be more burnable (?).

I want to clarify my ultimate goal. I emphasize weight a lot, but it all comes down to my excessive fat instead of muscles on my leg. So I want to be more fit. I want to size down on my leg, that is my ultimate goal.

Please keep supporting!

Tennis Luck

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 14:18:40 -0700

This morning, I felt like doing tennis, but it was too late to invite anyone, so I decided to go alone. I wanted to go somewhere with backboard to practice by myself, and searched on google to see if there is any. I found a site called TennisMaps.com, which tells you almost all the places with tennis courts and whether it is a private, public open, or public facility. What’s cool about this site is that you can narrow the search by things you are looking for: public courts, private courts, clubs, backboards, if it’s indoor, has lights, has water and so forth. you can also search it by region, name, and area code. Pretty awesome site!

So the closest public tennis place with backboard was John Morgan Park in Campbell. It has 4 courts and a 2 person backboard. So I went there around 9:30 and hit the wall for a while. Meanwhile, several Korean tennis people went over to the courts. It seemed like a private class or something. After few minutes, the coach asked me if I wanted to join in. I said yes, and joined in. That was a great choice. The coach actually speaks Japanese and he is a professional tennis player in japan, too. So he did some coaching for me. He was good. He fixed my habits and all the things I’ve been doing wrong. I relearned the techniques and the real way to do the backhand stroke (which I had the complete opposite idea about), and by the end of the class, my strokes were like 10 times better! Oh My!! He is amazing! He says the right things in the right way that I can understand what he wants, and it was different from my previous tennis coach I had several years ago. I am planning to join in his class starting next week. The fee is a little pricey side, so I don’t think it won’t be for long time, but to get the basics and the right form, it is a great place to be. He also told me that there are usually japanese group on tuesday, which coincidentally weren’t here today. I might be able to get some tennis buddies.

But it was so cool. If I didn’t feel like going tennis, and if I didn’t choose that park to go, and went at that time, I would have not met this group. This is pretty awesome!

Tomorrow

Sun, 10 Jul 2011 23:19:40 -0700

My mom will be out for a week starting tomorrow. That means I have to fix dinner when I am home. Let’s see when I can fix dinner:

Monday: I have Choral Project rehearsal at 7 so i can make it before that

Tuesday: work N/A

Wednesday: Get home around 7:30p then make

Thursday: work N/A

Friday: yes

Saturday: yes

Sunday: yes

I need to figure out somethings with this, such as days to do laundry, vacuum the house, and clean my room. I might have to do some grocery shopping sometime.We’ll see what I can do. ^^

I also need to keep my diet limited, so I need to make something that I can adjust the amount I eat. I am excited! my Diet is so far so good, and I am hoping best every time!

Woohoo

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 09:50:00 -0700

It’s almost been a week since I started a diet. So far so good~. As I was taking a morning walk, I decided to smile the whole way, and greet people passing by as I walk. It feels so good. especially while smiling as I was walking, I think positive things. Something like “I will go up to there no problem” or “I’m kinda tired, but I only have a little more to go!” One thing I realized while I was searching up diet programs and methods online and while I was walking this morning, is that “loosing weight easily and with no effort” is NEVER going to work. Well, this is obvious if you just see this statement. But you’ve seen products like “weightloss shake” or “diet pills” or meal replacements and stuff that it says that you will lose weight with just taking this! or eating this! I know there are some people who succeed with that. But eventually gain back the weight because they lost it so easily.

I tried weightloss shake before, and I remember saying, “oh~~!” when I saw my weight go down on the scale. But now, as I am limiting my intake of food and doing some exercises, when I see the weight lower than the day before, I say “yes!” With the things like weightloss shake, you immediate ask “will this work?” and when the result comes up, you say “oh~~!” from surprise. You are surprised when you see your weight go down just by drinking this shake and eat normally the other times. But at this moment, you think light about diet, and start to eat more on the other times and then notice your weight doesn’t go any further. This is my experience as well. I laid back and thought “if I drink this, I can eat anything.” Wrong Idea. On the other hand, when you work for it by limiting intake and exercising, when the result comes up, you say “yes!!” from accomplishment. I think this is important thing for diet. The work you do brings result. You feel accomplishment that you were able to save yourself from eating too much. You feel accomplishment that you didn’t snack. Accomplishment is motivation. It keeps you working for it.

So far, this is 6th day, and I lost about 3lbs. There were ups after switching my diet plan in the middle, but then I manage to lower it. Keep it up, Me!

What ever people say

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 23:26:24 -0700

I will start a weightloss program on my own. Everyone around me say that I am no overweight. But as everyone has a pet peeve, my weight is my pet peeve. So I am going to start a diet.

I am going to do this juice diet, which is a short-term diet to get myself rolling. It’s a plan I do for 3~5 days. Let’s see if this will work for me. if it works, I will introduce it.

Drinks & Blinks = D&B

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 22:01:53 -0700

Yesterday, I had work till 1pm, then went out eating lunch… alone at santoka and got a mini chashu don. Cheap and delicious. Then to Kinokuniya and couldn’t resist buying a new volume of a manga i’m reading called “Seiyu ka! 声優かっ!”

Then got home, relaxed a little, then went out to go to D&B with Taka around 6. It was my first time going there, so I was excited how it was inside. We got to great mall D&B, and as we went in it was a little dim dark. As we walk the aisle way, I saw billiard tables on the right side and a dining area on the other side. Then as we went through into the game place, it was nothing but Las Vegas in California. Flashy, colorful, I was blinking my eyes several times, only saying “wow.” Then Taka kept walking and walking, and I just follow along, thinking that he was looking for a specific game he wanted to play. But instead, he suddenly stops and randomly sat at a empty table booth. ….huh? Did we get guided to this table by the waiter? No…. Why are you randomly sitting there! I was thinking something like this for 5 seconds until I realized it’s what it is. I sat down, looked at the menu that was already there, and after few moments, the waitress came to greet us and took our order. I got Hawaiian Mai Tai to start off with. It was not bad, but I hoped for a sweeter drink. Taka got Long Island Ice tea.

Then we ordered our plates. (I forgot what taka got, but mine was Philly Cheesesteak… delicious btw). Then a different waiter came to say that our waitress is out for break, so he will take care of us. Guess what… he never took care of us. after like an hour or so, the original waitress came back and said, “hey, are you guys….. wait, did your order not come?” and we were like “yeaahhh apprently.” She quickly ran to the kitchen and then after a minute or so, she came back with our plates. Seems to be that the alternate waiter didn’t do his job. I was dead hungry so I was a little upset. But the food was good and they offered us free dessert for each of us, so I was happy. While we were waiting, Taka and I talked about our future and the past, evaluating what things have screwed his plans up. (which mostly was my fault… yea, bad girlfriend, right?) But we are bond strongly and we don’t have any doubt that we will be together in the future.

For dessert, we got banana cake and fondue plate. it was my first time eating fondue, so I enjoyed it a lot. Then after eating, I had to get a birthday present for my choir buddy which had a birthday party today 7/25, and while we were walking, we realized the stores were starting to close, and I was rushing to Bath and Body Works. Luckly we made it on time, just before they closed. after I bought the present, the store was closed, and they opened the gate for us to get out.

Then we went back to D&B to play some games. We played Ticket games for the whole time. Then miracle happened. There was a spin game where the jackpot was 1000 tickets. I won it! and not only that, I won twice in a row on Jackpot!! That was great! Then we played more and more, then we added up to about 4000 tickets, which we used half of it to buy ear phones for Taka since he wanted it since he got here, not knowing they had it to give out as exchange for tickets. Then we decided to keep the rest for next time we come.

Then we drank some more. I got Blue Sea…. something. It was pretty blue color and delicious. Except, I expected a little more sweet. lol. Taka got Tokyo LongIsland Ice Tea. Then we talked about how to use money. lol I am bad at saving, so I was getting lectured of how to use money effectively.

The sad part about this night was that next day, I had work from the morning, and I had to do some preparation. So we left D&B around 11. But the games there were fun! Such fun!! I want to go again!!

Taka, I love you so much! Thanks for taking me there! I enjoyed every moment there! You always bring joy! ^^

What do I want to do....

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 23:13:31 -0700

Let me answer… I don’t know. I thought I knew, but now, I have too much thing going on in my head I don’t know what my desire is.

My mind is spread. My feeling is going everywhere. I don’t feel like I am under control of myself. I don’t know what I am doing. I feel so insecure. I don’t know what to do.

I want to find a salary job. But my teaching job boss is liking me that it is hard to quit now. I want some kind of stability, but right now, I don’t feel secure. The teaching job is right now a part time, and with no benefits. What am I trying to say…. honestly, I don’t know… I really don’t know what I want to say. I can’t organize my thoughts right now…. I don’t know what I want to do now

I need to clear out my head

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 23:05:51 -0700

After writing this post, I realized my feelings are going everywhere, but needed to write it down. So if you feel this is not making any sense, just ignore it. I don’t even know myself…..

Right now, I am overloading my mind with things I have to do and things I want to do. My mind is too excited about graduation and not sure what to do now. I was thinking to make a list of those, but I failed. I just can’t categorize some things. However, I can list out what I thought I want to do since I graduated:

Take Tap dance class
Take Ikebana class (flower arrangement)
Take voice lessons
work part times
watch anime
travel

There are more stuff but very small things that if I list those, it will take forever to type up. But as you can see, I am not feeling the want of a complete rest. I have teaching job, work at Gamba, Shuji class, and choir right now, and on top of that, I wan to the things listed above.

I wondered why this is. Why do I want to do stuff. Then I realized something. During school session, my schedule book was filled with plans, including the weekends. I was busy, most days I was not home for lunch, half of the time not even for dinner. Every monday night I had choir rehearsal, and Weekends I had several night shifts at Gamba. as well as some afternoon shifts. I was almost out of home for the past year or so. During that time, I was always thinking “when can I ever rest?!” but now, I feel so empty. I want to be active.

Since last week or so, I can’t resist myself going out to see taka and hanging out with him. It was normal for a while not seeing him for few days in a row, but right now, I want to see him every day. I want to go out with him (but no money and no freedom at night so not drinking… bummer) I want to be with him. Recently, I even feel I want to just sneak out from home at night after my parents sleep and go out (but my conscience and the fact that no where is open at 2am~ stops me) One time, I went out at 9:30pm wanting to see taka (and surprised Taka that I actually got out of house that late with a sudden thought).

What I want to say is that since school ended, I have so much free time in my schedule that I feel I want to do everything i desire. My feeling towards marriage and living with taka gets stronger and stronger. My feeling towards freedom gets stronger and stronger. I am not confident if I can hold myself for another two years with this feeling. I wonder if my conscience can hold me in.

Since I graduated, I feel free, and at the same time, i feel very empty.

Today

Sat, 11 Jun 2011 12:42:50 -0700

8:00am-8:45am Gamba (clean up)

9:00-9:50am teaching

10:00-2:30p Gamba

2:30-3:30p break (sing karaoke~)

4:00-4:50 teaching

5:30p-7:30p at home (dinner?)

8:00p-10:00p musical Mamma Mia!

10:00p~ whatever, then sleep

Somewhat long day…. now is noon… I don’t know what to eat for lunch.

What's for tomorrow

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 00:41:57 -0700

I felt like writing out what I should do tomorrow:

- Go replace my car’s headlight (right side is out)

- Go to Barns and Nobles to get GRE prep book

- Shuji (Japanese Calligraphy)

- Read something (what….? I don’t know… novel or news)

…oh, I should take that Driver improvement school (online thing)